On the Road to Perfection

Being perfect is a tough job!  Growing up I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, I was a little OCD but a perfectionist....no. Today I realize I was and am a perfectionist.  

How does one come to realize they are a perfectionist.  It doesn't happen until one day when they have there first panic attract or breakdown over the small details in there lives that are not perfect an no matter how hard they try and no matter what they do, nothing is good enough, by the standards they have set for themselves not standard others have set.

Trying to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect teacher, the perfect supervisor, and trying to write the "perfect" curriculum for one of the top rated school districts in the nation, I saw myself falling short in every aspect of my life and from a perfections point of view, my life was falling apart. In actuality my life was not falling apart I was falling apart. I was trying so hard to continue being perfect I was sleeping only a few hours a night.  I was working and taking care of everyone around me from the time I woke up at 4:45 in the morning until the time I went to bed at 11:30 at night.  My home needed to be perfect, my classroom needed to be perfect, my department needed to be perfect, the curriculum which I contributed had to be perfect, my life had to be perfect, and last but not least, I needed to be perfect.  It was too much and I fell flat on my face.

I knew something was wrong, I had no idea what it was, probably just fatigue, so I made an appointment with my doctor.  After speaking with my doctor he sent me to a specialist.  The specialist ordered several blood tests, I say a couple....it was about 15 vials of blood, 10 large and 5 small,  it was probably at least a pint of blood. The doctor said she would call me back if they found anything if not I had a follow up appointment in a month.  I got a call two days later.  The doctor wanted to see me and asked if I would be able to come in the following day.  It was the longest  24 hours of my life. The next day my husband joined me at the doctors office where I was given a diagnosis of Lupus with secondary Sojgrens that changed my life and at that time I had no idea as to how my life would dramatically change.  

When I got the diagnosis I took a deep breathe and told myself okay, no big deal.  It's not life ending or changing but little did I know about Lupus.  My life has been placed on a roller coaster ride.  And being a perfections has become my greatest enemy.  How do I let a lifetime of being a perfections go?  Is it even possible to let it go?